May I Ask You a Question?

I get this 400 times a day. Most of the time it goes like this: "May I ask you a question? How you feeling? When you gonna finally have that baby?" Sometimes this is followed up by the ever-helpful statements: "You look so tired", "You look so over it", and my personal favorite "I don't think you can get any bigger!". Well, here are my top 5 answers to this question:
1) I AM TIRED. I sleep 2 hours at a time. If I lay down on a soft surface, I fall asleep in 2 seconds. I have been known to nod off in the middle of conversation. I regularly fall asleep during my NST and ultrasounds. I snore with abandon.
2) I AM SORE. I hold in the weight of a baby with the sheer willpower of my pelvic bones. Everything hurts. Even if the baby is only 6.5 pounds, the fluids and placenta add additional weight. When I roll over, I feel like I got hit with a tire iron. I have more in common with geriatrics right now than my students.
3) I AM SAD. This is supposed to be a joyous time, but it's overshadowed by sadness. Sable the Dog is sick and isn't getting better. Dr. Dunlap, the best vet out there, finally put it to me this way: "We need to talk about the thing that no one wants to talk about". This is the puppy that picked me, not the other way around. I have had her longer than my children. She is my first born. Follow up post later.
4) I AM IRRITATED. It all irritates me. Students with questions, kids with needs, coworkers with comments, and a house full of chores. When the doctor sees me on time, I am irritated that I can't grade papers in the waiting room. When the doctor is running an hour behind, I am irritated that she hasn't updated her magazine collection since 2005. I am irritated when the phone rings and irritated when it sits silently on the counter. I am irritated that I have to prick my fingers 5 times a day and irritated that I have to wake up from the couch at night long enough to give myself an insulin injection.
5) I AM SWOLLEN. My feet are the least of it. Now my fingers are red with bands of white at the knuckles. My wrists are getting marks from my watch for the first time in my life. My wedding ring looks like a cobra fighting a caymen....and losing. My face feels fat everytime I turn my head. Don't even get me started on the downstairs region. If my blood volume increased by 40% due to pregnancy, I will tell you where 38% of that blood volume sits all day--in an uncomfortable place that gets mashed everytime I cross my legs. I am three seconds from buying support hose or sitting on a donut pillow.