The Hips Don't Lie...

and other "truths" no one wants to share about the beautiful, life changing time we call pregnancy. Here are the top five facts that you must discover for yourself...
1) HIPS: Your hips will start to feel like you're 87 years old somewhere around 35 weeks. They will ache, creak, make you groan, cause grimacing when you try to get out of bed. If God forbid you fell asleep on your back (see #2), you will wake up thinking you are a wishbone and someone is going for gold on their wish.
2) SLEEPING: Don't even try to do it right, because everything you do will be wrong. For example, try to get a decent amount of sleep, and you are screwing it up if you don't sleep on your left side (lest your child not receive the optimal amount of circulation if you roll over by a centimeter). And if you wake up on your back, you will most likely panic and send up fifty "Hail Marys" because you will be certain you have permanently caused your child serious bodily harm.
3) RIVER: For lack of a better description, my underpants are a swamp. No one tells you that it will feel like you've run a marathon in July on a daily basis in your nether regions. Yes, panty liners are great, but I'm to the point of possibly stealing the baby's diaper stash. And might take her diaper cream too.
4) LEAVE: You will not save every sick and personal day for maternity leave. It's a funny thing about the OB's office--they are open the same hours that you are at work. So unless you work a really weird schedule (say, the graveyard shift at WaWa) you will be stuck taking occasional sick days to see the doctor. And while it stinks to watch the declining supply of sick days on your check each month, it's a necessary evil. And I won't lie--sometimes it's nice to just walk out of the door at work by 10:36 AM and know I won't be back til the next morning.
5) RESTRICTIONS: Kick counts were invented by a male doctor who thought it was funny to see how many women he could get to lay on a couch for TWO HOURS every night, holding their breaths, waiting for any little twinge. Now explain this: when the baby gets here, she will sleep, without moving, for about 20 hours a day. But while in the womb, I am suppose to require her to move 4 times every hour?! Doesn't add up! And just like me, she has her days where she looks like the Predator exploding from my abdomen, and other days where she likes to sleep in (who doesn't??) and freaks me out with her lack of movement. By the way, these are same doctors who scream in fear if you eat soft cheese, drink a Diet Coke, or enjoy a hotdog. God forbid I had a cold cut trio at Subway! All reason tells me that the human race is just not this delicate; how did we make it so far with these restrictions? It's a wonder any of us are here. And watching just one episode of "Teen Mom" always makes me feel better--if Amber can hit the Dairy Freeze on a daily basis and still produce a normal baby, I should have nothing to worry about.